Six things to Say and Do for Families Facing Loss & Grief

1. Show up and be present, within your own limits. It’s OK if you don’t know what to say: simply acknowledging what’s happening, as horrible as it might be, matters. Know that your presence alone can be very comforting. Even admitting that you don’t know what to say is better than ignoring or minimizing the unanticipated and unasked-for reality.

2. Ask the person, “How are you, today?” Then be sure to listen to the answer. The response might change, from day to day. While it can be exhausting for people in crisis to repeatedly talk about their trauma, asking “How are you doing, today?” allows them to share as much, or as little, as they wish.

3. Listen more; talk less. There are no prizes for dealing with grief or loss “well” or “gracefully.” Mostly, people in the midst of a health crisis are just doing what they can, putting one foot in front of the other.

4. Practice empathy. Put yourself in their shoes for 1 minute. Let yourself actually imagine being in their situation. If you’re struggling with your own emotional reaction to the other person’s loss, find someone who can be a buddy for you. With this person, you can process your feelings, rather than looking for comfort from the person with the loss.

5. Offer to do something tangible and useful. Be specific: “I can drop off some soup on Thursday. How would that be?” While it may feel presumptive to make suggestions, offering something concrete, such as cleaning, cooking, or errands, simplifies things during a very overwhelming time. Your offer might also identify a need they didn’t even know they had.

6. Keep the invitations coming. People with cancer still like to go to coffee. And to the movies. And out to eat. Be flexible and understanding if they decline, ask for a rain check, decide to leave the event early, or change their mind at the last minute. They’ll still likely appreciate being remembered, even if they aren’t ready for group activities yet. Know that if they don’t respond to your offers immediately, they’ll get back to you when they can/are ready.